A faith in flux. The dark night of the soul. Wrestling...
These are the descriptions of Christians, true believers, who for a period of time, however brief or lengthy, have found themselves questioning the foundation of their faith.
Perhaps this uncertainty comes because of unimaginable tragedy that visited when they had somehow thought their God would shield them from any and all suffering. Perhaps because of popular secular opinion and theories that shatter their already weak convictions.
Perhaps because of an unsettled discomfort that maybe all this is little more than a ruse, a cleverly devised fable that caught fire but is now nothing more than smoldering ash. Perhaps the darkness descends when reality hits after the mountaintop encounter and doubt encroaches where vibrant faith dulls to a flicker.
Perhaps a shaken soul comes with as little as silence from an absentee God, a life void of all the emotion and experience others said were sure to follow a life given over to God. Perhaps it visits when others tell you to divorce your mind from your heart.
Perhaps it pounces with the aggression of legalistic zealots whose desire to purify often comes with pain and punishment. Perhaps it slips in between the sheets of cooling lovers who wonder at the mystery of marriage and how something of God's design could be so difficult, the solutions so muddled in love and respect.
The whys and hows of it's coming are varied; the souls and minds wherein it settles range from the simple to the intellect, the long-time saint to the newly converted sinner.
For some time now, I have found myself possessing a different mindset, one visited by dark nights of the soul and foggy days of wrestling with unresolved questions; this new one far removed from the simple, unquestioning faith of my youth.
Then, I was willing to accept everything I was told and taught, assuming that what I read or had read to me straight from God's word must be digested and absorbed without argument and without dissent.
Now, I am growing more and more willing to be the one asking the questions, moving away from being the one who had to have all the answers.
Questions like mine, confessions like ours are unsettling to so many. Fearful of rocking the boat, of challenging authority, and apprehensive about a faith teetering on the edge, other believers are quick with their cliches, hasty to offer a scriptural band-aid to a heart bleeding on the inside.
Last year my only resolution was to avoid religious extremes, groups and affiliations and trends within the Christian community that take a harsh stand on what we must do or else pay the price.
When my local Christian homeschool community published articles stating homeschooling was God's direct command to parents, I opted out of my paid subscription and occasional article submission. Instead I chose to integrate into the broader homeschooling community, most of which are not religious, and have had my faith strengthened as I reached beyond my self-centered and self-serving insulated world into a deeper, solidified conviction of who I know God to be.
When others around me talked apocalyptic bunkers and self-preservation for the end of the world, I knew that this wasn't what God's word taught. Even had I believed myself to be living through such times, I knew the only appropriate action would be increased missional living so that the truth of Jesus Christ might be known to more and more as we near the brink of eternity.
This year my resolution, keep wrestling.
Though I've seen my faith bruised, "no faith is as solid as a wounded faith" (E. Wiesel).
Though I've seen my faith highjacked by public figures whose lives are but a play of hypocrisy or whose words devalue and debase the truths I hold dear, I cling to the example of One who would address their Pharisaical ways and show Truth more by what is lived than by what is said.
Though I've heard and read words that oversimplify the cost to following Jesus and over-commit on the personal prosperity to be gained, I am persuaded that it is less about me and more about Him and His eternal kingdom.
Though I still question and struggle, I now understand that "if only the will to walk is really there He (God) is pleased even with their stumbles" (C.S. Lewis).
I.will.wrestle, like Jacob of old, refusing to resign myself to a faithless existence, believing though God may be absent He is not non-existent, and drawing still close to Him and His word that I may continue to salvage truth from fiction, light from darkness, and action from apathy.
My faith remains, rooted in the historical validity of scripture, in the proclamation of His glory as seen through creation, and because of this little light of mine that sometimes smolders and sometimes shines deep, deep down in my heart.
