A Worthy Life

vacation hangover

I fell back into reality this morning with a loud thump on my bedroom floor after my body refused to rise on it's own. It's not our first day back after a week alone without the kids (alone, without the kids...can I get a hallelujah?!) but it was the first day I was making a solid attempt at a full day's work. I tried yesterday but after a good start and a noon trip back to the gym I passed out in bed where I spent the rest of the afternoon semi-sleeping.

Life is tough but returning to life after a blissful week of alone/girls'/husband time? Near impossible. Thankfully my children are cherubs in a dress rehearsal for heaven so they had me missing them and hugging the living daylights out of them the moment I hopped out of the taxi! ;)

Two amazing things happened on this trip:

one. two old, dear girlfriends flew out from their new homes in California and hung out with me for a full day while I was in Vegas. Bosom buddies, these are girls that will be dear hearts for life and they made this old lady feel like the richest woman on the strip with an entourage who had their hearts set more on catching up than on site seeing. Together we toured the street, taking in the Eiffel Tour and a Dutch garden, drawing in quick breaths before launching in to the next laugh or stuffing our faces full of rich treats. I love these girls, friends you can invite up to your hotel room and swap clothing and accessories with comfort, even with your husband bearing witness to it all! Mon and Kat, you are part of my story and I cannot wait to see what adventures are still being birthed in our tales together!

two. I had my husband's undivided attention for 3 whole, beautiful days (not an easy feat for any man when in the city of sin!). Never since our courtship days (for two virgins, the honeymoon is really only about one thing, c'mon!) have we had such fun exploring and discovering more of our world and each other. Over long, leisurely dinners we talked without pause. We walked hand in hand, proudly displaying our commitment and affection for each other; reminiscing about the past days, longing for those yet coming. In a world of so many, many billions, to have found one who not only loves you, but continually chooses you day after day even with distraction and temptation all around, that is a gift. No phone calls, no emails, no child whose need is pressing. Just us. Grocery shopping for our suite, hiking dusty trails, sneaking into a Vegas show, conspiring in shopping for secret souvenirs for the kids, finally letting loose in faux profanity high atop the Hoover Dam (not usually a potty mouth but I had to use the dam bathrooms!), drinking in the beauty of nature and the goodness and grace of my Jesus to have brought us here together to these moments...every bit of it a gift.

Not that every day was perfect. I managed to not speak for almost an entire day, an exercise in restraint modeled often by my husband, as a lesson to the same that I.need.resolution. and quick goodnight kisses are not adequate band-aids to what oft plagues this woman's heart. But when I did finally speak? I failed that model of manly restraint and let loose in an effort of forced resolution on my terms. (And yes, I may have used dam in that conversation even though we were no longer above Hoover.Dam!)

Above photos, drinking it all in through my iPhone: O'Hare airport, always lovely; me, waiting for my trip in the clouds; is there anything more beautiful than our world?!; no, really. is there?; snow-topped mountains; our mugs in the elevator; my buddies; traveling to France together; now we're back in Holland; for real, see that beautiful bike and tulips??; Monet, come.to.life!; our afternoon at the Mirage pool; Vegas at dusk; where the fancy schmancy vacation while in Vegas; Nike: "Erect no artificial walls that might limit potential, stifle creativity, or shackle innovation."; inspiration for my garden; Sirens at TI; Louis Vuitton colorful product staging; Paul Frank store; the strip from a distance; New York New York; old mining town for kids' play; gorgeous!; hike up to the Emerald Pools in Zion National Park; Zion from a distance; Zion up closer; Dam I'm high up!; best chocolate factory @ Bellagio; in Venice; sneaking into Dancing with the Stars; maybe the highlight of the trip: getting m&ms personalized with the kids' names!; most of the high-priced stores held little appeal for me but Stella McCartney could be my bestie any day!; Lady Liberty, in jellybeans.

 

writing my story

Last week we had some amazing discussion within our small (only 3 couples) small group! Questions were raised by others and resurfaced for me at least some of the doubts and even despair that have accompanied me lately in my journey of faith.

Questions about God's ultimate plan of salvation: why some choose Jesus and not all? why create all if He knew only some would believe?

Even while my husband and I rewatched Passion of the Christ, I wanted, needed to know that redemption for Judas Iscariot was possible. Try googling that and you start hopping from one rabbit trail to the next, all the while your initial question growing into a colossal conundrum of truth vs. what I want so desperately to be.

This season of faith frustration when the questions seem to outnumber the answers is, I hope, just that: a season. But I don't want to shy away from it or try to brush away the doubts under the rug while appearing as if I have it all figured out.

These moments too are part of the story and journey of my life and I want to record them so I can clearly see in retrospect the mysteries revealed that are yet hidden in real time.

I came across this old email to a peer today and realized I had almost lost this lesson in the annals of time:

Sometimes Christians put all the emphasis on God as if He isn't pro-choice; that is, that He would rarely be a cosmic dictator who forces us into every decision, every circumstance, and every experience in our lives. (If that were the case, we could have done without the NT which is full of instruction, encouragement, and exhortation on how to run this race of life.) By understanding our place in His-story, we are compelled to do all we can to bring Him glory in the choices we make that ultimately compile our life. 

While reading books, they become almost a personal journal for me. I read with a pen in hand, ready to underline and record the thoughts that challenged me or the ideas that I want to spend more time on. One sentence in particular that I marked was this:

"We get robbed of the glory of life because we aren't capable of remembering how we got here." From Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

This is perhaps the strongest sentiment that persuades me to blog: through recording my thoughts and remembering my life's moments, I am providing myself, and maybe one day my children, with a road map full of the reasons why I took certain detours and what fueled me as I navigated certain difficult areas in my life. Reading of others' lives through their blogs has also given me the confidence that I am not alone in my thoughts, my struggles, my dreams, etc. 

My husband and I shared some precious moments together last night discussing what the point of our lives is, what our family's legacy would be. We shared thoughts each of us have recently been mulling over in our hearts and minds, "What are we going to do with our lives?" Are we going to be sucked into the keeping up with the Jones' mentality? Is our joy found in our luxury vehicle and above standard living? Where does the time, our time, go? What are we hoping to impart to our children, because it is largely our example that will teach them? 

Breaking apart from this world's mold takes choice. It takes the courage to write our life story, to refuse the culture and our peers the opportunity to shape our life's trajectory. We want to change the world! But how? Will it be through our community outreach? Will it be through deciding as a couple to live off less so we can give more? Will it be through opening our home to our neighbors so that we can invite them into our lives and pray that somehow, someway our Hope is welcomed into theirs? Or will it be through a larger sacrifice, one that costs us everything?

I don't want to fall victim to the thief of time, the one that tries to rob us of value and potential because we simply cease to ponder our position in this life. I want my life and purpose to be greater and deeper next year than where it is today. And that takes a certain amount of questioning. Culling out the vital from all the viable options.

In faith, we must make decisions. In life, we must live them out.

Where my life is ultimately headed depends in large part on my faith and so I choose to seek out truth that will drive me to my destination.

embracing looney toonies

I don't know which is worse: shopping with 3 animated kiddos or shopping with the idea that things must be cheap for me to be frugal but pricey enough to believe that whoever made the item received fair wages for it.

Not only am I fighting with 3 adversaries determined to pull me into every pet shop, toy store, and food stop in sight but I'm simultaneously at war with my own multiple personalities.

The boy attempting to bust himself out of mall jail I can handle, the girl doing bizarre situps while talking to her alter ego in the mirror is normal (by now), and the child trying to puncture her cheek with an accessory she hopes will rival the nose ring...nothing a trip to the ER can't fix.

My real trouble begins when I get into my van and drive to the nearest mall to find an economical yet modern solution to my need/desire for a new sweater for when I'm backpacking the Grand Canyon with  my husband on his upcoming business trip/honeymooniversary. (Need vs. desire depends on my mood/time of latest perusal of fashion catalogs/pinterest and the biz vs. honeymoon is my attempt to justify why I'm spending a little money on a plane ticket that will get me free ride while piggybacking on my husband's expensed hotel room. Too much information? Maybe but only if you went down a different trail with the whole piggyback/husband thing... ;)

It's getting incredibly harder to justify wants when I am more and more aware of the needs of others. Just this week I heard from our dear friend who left everything in the US to start an orphanage all.by.herself. in Vietnam. She asked us to pray for a woman who desperately wanted to abort her child because, with an unemployed husband, adding one more mouth to the other five she was already feeding didn't seem possible.

I looked at pictures today of a friend who recently returned from Uganda. A line of children snaked up the steps of a rusty slide at recess (tetanus shot anyone?) because it was the only option for amusement. Meanwhile we occasionally spend a few extra dollars to ensure our kids meal of happiness includes a disposable toy while zipping through the drive through.

One voice says it's ok, to spend a little something on myself once in awhile. The other says I already did and it now fills my belly, provides the roof over my head, and gas in my vehicle to take me from here to there.

One voice says, it was on the sales rack, good for you! The other says that that money could be given to help the many children for sale throughout the world.

Meanwhile, friends tell me I'm crazy, getting a little looney. There's only so much you can do. God knows. Pray for them.

But I have the means to help. I have the power to vote with every purchase.

And so, we leave the mall empty handed with heavy hearts. This discomfort amidst my comforts, it's not always easy. The solutions are not always as appealing as the deeply discounted sale tags.

But me and mine, we'll continue in the looney as we seek to save and share our toonies...

Disclaimer: Looneys and toonies are Canadian $1 and $2 coins. Just thought you should know...:)

Still Embracing with Emily.

an ignorant man

Over March Break we drove back to my hometown to celebrate a few big happenings in my family, one of which was my dad's 60th birthday. Did I mention it was a big ol' surprise?! :)

By some miracle, we managed to keep the surprise even with 8 grandkids in on the secret. They helped blindfold him and drove him over to the party location with gma, giggling at the number of passing cars who pointed and smiled.

My dad, at his core, is a humble man. He will bristle and even argue if you ever mention this directly to him but it is the one constant description that friends and family will give. As guest of honor at his own party, he was no different.

When asked to share a few words, this is what he said:

"I stand before you an ignorant man who has received abundantly of God's great mercy."

I've heard others say what a marvelous treat it would be to hear the eulogy at your own funeral. Loved ones gushing with emotion, waxing eloquent on your better qualities, laughing away your gaffs and flaws as though those were precisely what made you so loveable in the first place.

But who among us would want that single statement, "an ignorant man", offered up as full compilation of our entire life and character?

My dad would.

Perhaps because so many of his struggles have been public, his years of debilitating depression that took it's toll on his business, his marriage, his family and finances. Perhaps because of his final admission that he could not fix himself on his own, even with days filled with prayer and self-abasement. Perhaps because he knew that many, so many within that room had been his lifeline, his literal line back to life and figuratively too, helping him figure things out once he was back.

Or maybe it's because he used to have it all. A successful business, beautiful dream home, and loving family. But once lost and then re-found he discovered that his hands were not meant for building only his own plans but instead found immeasurable joy in giving away any gifts (and often to my mother's chagrin, any and all spare cash) His Creator had bestowed to him.

In brokenness, he found healing. In service, he has found great reward.

My dad's greatest investment was not in building for himself a lasting legacy but instead in building within others a hope that would last. Whether by offering manual labor to those who couldn't pay, inviting stranded servicemen to our home for the holiday, or (again to my mother's wise chagrin) picking up disturbed and deranged homeless men to sleep in the same house as his four teenage daughters, his life choices were never measured by how they might lead to his success but rather how his life lessons might lead to success in others.

While his choice of words may not have been spoken by his adoring wife or proud children, they truly are all any of us can really offer as explanation for where we are in life. Apart from the great mercy and grace of God, where would I, where would you be?

Dad, I promise that my eulogy some far away day for you will be far more eloquent and, I can only hope, much more humorous. But for now, your words speak adequately to the journey of your life, my life even for those eighteen years we shared our every day. Your life and example are worth far more than you know, it is measured in the lives that you already have and still continue to touch.

Because of God's great mercy to me, I am blessed to be called your daughter.